Helping my other cats get over the loss of their best friend

Before I lost Patches on January 10, 2023, I had many friends who had lost pets and I listened and supported them as they grieved. Their loss helped remind me to slow down and enjoy the moments with my 3 cats- Patches, Marmalade, and Spark- especially on the days I was stressed, busy, tired, or frustrated. These 3 cats are my family and have been my best friends and companions for the last 10 years.

*Spark (left), Patches (right), and Marmalade (top right)*

My 3 cats were my personal rescues from when I lived in Chengdu, Sichuan China. Patches was 1.5 years old when I rescued him, and he knew both Spark and Marmalade since they were around 3 to 4 months old (they’re 6 months apart and not related). All my 3 cats wanted was to feel safe and protected from things that scared them like storms or fireworks, have scratches, pets, endless food, and be loved. A decade after their new beginnings with me and a move back to Canada, they are now senior cats and with that- came more vet visits, dental extractions, arthritis, and an unexpected goodbye.

Patches saw our amazing vets last autumn for a checkup, as I noticed he had bad breath and when I looked inside his mouth, his teeth were horrible. Our fantastic vet said he had arthritis (90% of cats over the age of 12 have arthritis, learn more here) and we were referred to a dental specialist who said he would need all teeth removed due to periodontal disease and tooth reabsorption, both of which are not very comfortable. So, Patches was booked in for a mid-January appointment and was put on daily Gabapentin to reduce his pain from his teeth and arthritis.

Patches was such a lovebug that a close German friend nicknamed him Mr.Flopper as he would run ahead of her and my feet and flop for pets. At the end of each day and at the start of each morning, I was required, by Patches, to give him at least 5 to 10 minutes of pets and if I stopped or wasn’t feeling well, he would jump over the covers to be next to or right in front of me, then softly meow for more pets. He was also Spark and Marmalade’s best friend, their play buddy, support when they didn’t feel well, and always let them know where the best sunbeams were.

Sadly, one week before his scheduled dental extraction surgery, he rapidly deteriorated due to unknown lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes, learn more here). As our kind vet said on his last day, his little body was fighting to live but he was in significant pain and his organs were not working anymore and beginning to shut down. So, he was humanely and lovingly euthanized on the afternoon of January 10, 2023. Over the years, I’ve had many friends and family members pass away, but the grief of losing my best friend, the companion who just wanted to be loved and to love me, was and still is overwhelming. One month after his passing, I still cry randomly, my heart feels heavy and no words of comfort or sympathy help.

The problem with grief of losing a pet is that you can’t just bounce back, and life just doesn’t get back to normal as your life is molded around theirs. Patches wasn’t just my best friend; he was a little sentient soul who was an ever-present moment in my life. Each part of my life, from waking up, studying, working, to doing daily chores or trying to do yoga at home- he was involved. If I had a bad day, he would sit next to me and hold my hand- and if I tried to take my hand back, he would pin my hand down with his other paw and bring it closer to him and hold onto my hand as tight as he could against his body. And now, with him gone, there is a hole, a part of me that is gone and cannot be replaced.

But, despite the emptiness of grief that has washed over me, I knew I needed to help Spark and Marmalade, as they too are grieving. They too lost their best friend of over a decade, who they developed a bonded relationship with and who loved them with cuddles, kisses and play since they were little kittens.

After Patches passed, Spark and Marmalade showed grief behaviours such as:

Marmalade ran around the home meowing and looking for Patches
Marmalade increased her hiding for weeks
Spark needed extra attention and would not leave my side
Neither cat ate very much
Neither cat wanted to play

As cats are individuals, they show their grief in different ways. If your cats lost a bonded cat family member, they may show grief in the ways listed below.

*Marmalade caught the cat wand a few days after Patches passed away.*

Along with spraying pheromones daily on their favourite resting spots, keeping routines the same and giving Spark and Marmalade extra attention and treats, I also scheduled nightly play sessions with them. At first, they were so despondent that they only played for 5 minutes and very half-heartedly, which is highly unusual for my two play-loving ginger cats. Over the weeks, the use of one small act, play, has helped them have some predictability and gain more confidence as they grieved. Now, if I miss our usual playtime, Marmalade runs up to me and meows at me nonstop until I play with them.

One month later, they’re playing with more energy for around 15 minutes and Marmalade has decreased her hiding behaviours while Spark has reduced his need for extra attention.

.

Below are 5 ways to help a grieving cat.

A common misconception is that I should get another cat to “replace” Patches- as if such a loving soul in cat form could be replaced?!?! Getting another cat would be the worst decision as it would cause Spark and Marmalade more stress. They were highly bonded to Patches and they too just lost their best friend, who they lived peacefully with for years. Cats live in bonded groups, so bringing in a new, unknown, and unbonded cat, would cause an increase of stress in the home, which may potentially lead my cats to have diseases such as feline idiopathic cystitis (FIC). Spark and Marmalade need time and understanding to adapt to life without Patches, not another cat.

Life moves on, but grief seems to move at a standstill. So, I cannot expect Marmalade and Spark to just “get over” the enormous loss of their best friend instead, I am respecting their individual grieving process and giving them the time and support that they need when they need it. Just as they are helping me to take my time to grieve.

Together we are finding the small moments of joy and love in our lives, to honour Patches, for the life of love and joy that he lived and will continue to live in our hearts.